Valentine’s Day: Life Lessons for Children of All Ages
As Valentine’s Day approaches, some children are filled with excitement while others are filled with dread. Most adults can recall both painful and joyous memories of past Valentine’s Days and can relate with either feeling. It’s impossible to prevent children from experiencing the inevitable mishaps associated with romantic crushes or relationships, but parents can use Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to teach valuable lessons.
The practice of giving and receiving cards often begins as early as preschool. Children create valentines and hand them out to their friends. Teachers may ask parents to have their children make cards for everyone in the class to prevent some from receiving many while others receive none. This practice is effective for reducing public displays of rejection, but parents can be faced with difficult questions at home. A child might not understand why she has to give a card to a child she doesn’t like. Parents can use this situation as an opportunity to promote perspective-taking abilities by asking questions like, “How do you think you’d feel if classmates gave cards to everyone but you? Left out? Embarrassed?” They can also encourage their children to be tolerant and to appreciate individual differences. Children will often find something they like about other children if they try.
Valentine’s Day can be especially rough for some high school students. No one is required to give cards and invariably some students are ignored while others tote tremendous displays of affection. Competition is rampant. Parents often re-experience heartbreak as their children suffer through it. Acknowledge if your son or daughter seems anxious or upset on or around Valentine’s Day. Share your positive and negative experiences, including how you felt at the time and how you recovered. Don’t judge what might seem like an overreaction. It’s challenging to recall exactly how you felt so many years back, but remember that whatever you felt, is was probably all-consuming at that age.
On the other hand, Valentine’s Day can also be exhilarating for some teens, particularly those with boyfriends or girlfriends. Be aware of what your child is doing to celebrate. Utilize the weeks before Valentine’s Day to approach difficult subjects like sex and contraception. Remind your children that physical attraction is natural, and enforce their understanding of the difference between love and lust. These topics need to be an ongoing conversation rather than a single one. Waiting until February 13th will likely be ineffective for achieving educational goals. Make sure these talks occur when you are calm and open to hearing what teens have to say. No parent looks forward to these conversations, but being prepared can reduce awkwardness and frustration when they occur.
Dr. Jaime Black is a licensed psychologist practicing in Westchester and New York City. In addition to providing general mental health services, Jaime works with individuals of all ages on the autism spectrum, doing psychotherapy, conducting evaluations, and facilitating social skills groups. Visit www.spectrumservicesnyc.com, e-mail JaimeBlackPsyD@gmail.com or call (914)712-8208.
Examiner Media – Keeping you informed with professionally-reported local news, features, and sports coverage.
