The Truth About Lying
Many parents wonder how they should handle children’s lies. Should lies be punished like any other behavioral infraction? Are they indicative of something more serious and require a different approach? Some children exaggerate, leave out certain details, create stories, or even deny what’s right in front of them. Some do it in only certain contexts. When considering how to handle a child’s lies, it is important to try and surmise what is motivating the lie in the first place.
Preschoolers tend to have vivid imaginations and to tell tales. They are not yet aware of the importance of honesty, and they may make up stories reflecting their ideas and desires. Like adults, children this age also lie to avoid punishment or to get what they want. Parents shouldn’t overreact to these lies, but instead use instances as opportunities to promote honesty and to explain how truths lead to trust and lies to mistrust. Children want friends they can trust and want to be a trustworthy friend.
Older children lie for a slew of reasons. They may lie to boost self-esteem, to look good in front of others, to protect friends or family and, of course, to avoid punishment. Whether rational or not, many of these lies are driven by fear. A child may fear peer rejection and lie to impress classmates. He may fear his parents’ decision about attending a party, for example, and lie preemptively. Some lying is related to parent temperament. Children tend to lie more when parents are over or under-restrictive. Children need clear boundaries and open communication. They tend to be more honest when they know the rules but know they can negotiate when necessary.
Children also learn to lie through modeling. As a parent, it is easy to forget what constitutes a lie. Your children have probably overheard you telling a white lie to get out of plans with friends, for example. These things happen to everyone. It is important, however, to teach your children the difference between lying to protect someone’s feelings and lies that hurt people. Younger children are not likely to infer the difference and will only recognize the lie.
If your child is lying, try to see if there is a pattern. If, for example, you notice that your child lies to “look cool” or increase self-esteem, intervene accordingly. If lies center around school work, find out why. Maybe your child is embarrassed and doesn’t want to ask for extra help. No matter what it is about, punishment for lying should be distinct from punishing an act. If a child lies to cover up a misbehavior, make it clear that both are being punished. That way, in the future if a child comes clean about a behavior, you can praise their truthfulness and only punish the behavior. Also, make sure a child knows that lying is wrong, but avoid calling a child bad for lying. Lying is bad, but the child is not.
Open communication is the key to honesty. When children know that their parents accept them despite their flaws, they are more likely to discuss problems than to lie about them. If your child is lying compulsively and you can’t figure out why, seek professional help. Praise truthfulness as much as possible and give children a chance to come clean if you suspect a lie. Model positive behaviors and explain your lies if you are caught in one. Every child will lie at some point, so try not to overreact and treat instances of lying teachable moments.
Jaime Black earned her Doctorate in Clinical Psychology from Yeshiva University. She works in a private practice doing psychotherapy and evaluations. Jaime’s specialty is in working with individuals of all ages on the autism spectrum. www.spectrumservicesnyc.com. JaimeBlackPsyD@gmail.com. (914)712-8208.
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