Super Bowl XLV Recap

I get it. Last night you spent well over four hours (or 10 if you were unlucky enough to have seen the pregame show) watching Super Bowl XLV, so why in the world do you need me to recap what happened less than 24 hours ago?

Well, let’s just say that my take on the spectacle might be a little different than yours, so I thought it would be prudent to memorialize the event’s highs and lows, chronologically, of course. Think of this as a live-blogging exercise, only we’re not live, and exercise is the farthest thing on my mind considering my caloric intake during the game.

So without further ado…

PREGAME: Some big stories out of Big-D:

Global cooling is now indisputable since rarities like snow and ice are making an appearance in Texas. During February, of all times. Apparently $1.2B doesn’t buy as much as it used to these days, as seating for some 400 ticket holders is eliminated at the last minute on account of there not being enough plastic ties and Velcro on hand. The NFL and its players’ association meet in earnest to see if maybe, possibly, somehow there’s a way to fairly split upwards of $9B in total profits. It looks like Bill O’Reilly never got that memo with respect to treating the President of the United States like… you know, the President of the United States.

6:20pm: Things got off to a rough start as Christina Aguilera apparently thought acapella meant ad-lib.

The “Burlesque” star’s flub of the National Anthem in front of no less than 89 gazillion people was excellent, but what about the poor hearing-impaired translator-lady’s state of mind during this abomination? It was her big shot (see 0:36 mark). She’d practiced her signing technique for weeks. Surely, flailing about on a blue NFL discus must have been the absolute pinnacle of her career. To have such graceful and informative arm movements disrupted by erroneous lyrics… just an absolute shame.

6:31pm: In a shocking early development, James Farrior of the Steelers relied on the old adage that “Tails Never Fails,” yet inexplicably lost the coin toss. The NFC upped its winning streak in the arbitrary determination to an amazing 14 years in a row. When interviewed after the game, Farrior later admitted that Troy Polamalu had advised him in the locker room that “Heads Never Dreads,” but Farrior told him and his hair to “F___ Off.”

6:51pm: Humanity’s suffering during the “Great Vin Diesel Drought” of 2009-2011 has mercifully ended as a new one of the those Too Quick, Too Angry movies has apparently been made. It appears that someone who looks a lot like The Rock, only with a goatee, has been cast at the film’s villain. As an aside, Diesel’s real name is Mark Sinclair Vincent, but the stage name “Vinny Muscles” was already taken by a Dutch adult film star.

6:54pm: TOUCHDOWN Green Bay! In what would become a recurring theme during the game for Packers WR Jordy Nelson, a big drop is followed up by a big grab. That’s What She Said.

7:04pm: “So I’ve got a can’t miss idea, hear me out. How ’bout we take James Bond and Indiana Jones, and we stick ’em in the Old West. Then, get this, we bring in a whole bunch of nasty aliens with lasers and spaceships and stuff, and it’s up to 007 & Mr. Ally McBeal to take ’em down!”

7:08pm: TOUCHDOWN Green Bay! Big Ben decided it would be a good idea to throw off his back foot, in traffic, in his own end zone, predictably resulting in a game-altering TAINT for the Packers. Not sure what a taint is? It’s the same thing as a Pick-Six, just raunchier (a quick google search of the terms Simmons and taint will explain all).

Please note that although some 14 Earth minutes had elapsed, mere seconds ticked off from the game clock in between touchdowns. You know, on account of those glorious and affordable commercial spots.

7:42pm. TOUCHDOWN Green Bay! With time winding down in the second quarter, the Packers had a 21-3 lead, and if your Super Bowl party was anything like mine, there were way more people huddled up in the kitchen than there were around the television. On the bright side, legions of women across the country with experience getting cornered in a seedy bar restroom were extremely happy. See, e.g. Roethlisberger, Ben.

8:01pm. HALFTIME SHOW! Typing that exclamation mark was where my enthusiasm ended. I mean, really? Surely we can do better than the Black Eyed Peas and a bunch of extras from “Tron,” no? Oh Fergie… you’re no Axl Rose, even if you two have the same hairdo. From now on, FOX, let’s just show an episode of Family Guy and be done with it. Everyone loves Family Guy.

9:25pm. TOUCHDOWN Green Bay! I might have missed a Pittsburgh score or two, but the combination of ribs, pulled pork sandwiches, cupcakes, guacamole and Brooklyn Lagers, in no particular order, eventually skewed my sense of time and reality.

The Packers were leading 28-17 at this point, scoring 21 points of Steeler turnovers, the last of which was a killer fumble by RB Rashard Mendenhall as his team was driving the field to potentially take the lead. Surely Mendenhall would have to be put on suicide watch after the game.

10:02pm. With just under one minute on the game clock, the Steelers were driving in a futile attempt to erase a 31-25 game deficit, but they turned it over on downs. The Packers were assured their 13th League Championship, more than any other team in the history of the NFL. Of their triumphs, four have come during the Super Bowl era, but as the clock expired, no one was happier than that guy who played the father on “The Wonder Years.” Yes, Dan Lauria, I’m talking about you. It looks like you’re going to remain employed on Broadway for at least a few more months.

POSTGAME: In the end, Super Bowl MVP Aaron Rodgers came out smelling like a rose.

He played exceedingly well as the Packers played with their backs against the wall since December. My only concern is that Chevy was too cheap to give Rodgers a Corvette instead of a Camaro. Really? I thought GM was doing better these days. Guess not.

The Green Bay Packers Head Coach, Mike McCarthy, and GM, Ted Thompson, look pretty good too, their decision to jettison Brett Favre finally vindicated. I guess the only  thing left to do is take a dose or three of Imodium and start poring over my sabermetric baseball magazines.

The Payoff Pitch brings you Jamie O’Grady’s distinct take on New York and national sports every Monday. Having previously worked as a Contributing Writer for MLB.com., Jamie is also a practicing lawyer and an unapologetic Yankees, Knicks and Giants fan. He lives in Mount Kisco with his wife, Sarah, and son, Jack.

Follow Jamie on Twitter: @BronXoo