Responding to Teasing and Bullying: Are Adults Giving Kids the Right Advice?
It is very common for adolescents to get teased. Even the most popular among them experience teasing. It’s the way a person responds to being teased that determines the frequency and severity of it. Adults often tell adolescents to ignore teasing, to walk away, or to tell a teacher or adult. But is this the best way to help adolescents survive and thrive in their social environment, or are adults doing them a disservice by offering such advice? The research I refer to here defines teasing as verbal assaults and bullying as including acts of physical aggression.
Research shows us what socially accepted adolescents are doing in response to being teased. It turns out that they are not ignoring, walking away, or telling on classmates. Teasing that is especially mean spirited is meant to push buttons. Teasers want to get a reaction. They want to ignite sadness, anger, and acting out. Walking away is as much a reaction as is ignoring a comment all together. Telling a teacher can be social suicide and might lead to more teasing. Dr. Elizabeth Laugeson, Director of the UCLA PEERS Program (Program for Education and Enrichment of Relational Skills), offers proven strategies for handling teasing. In response to a teasing remark, individuals should give a response that shows that the comment did not bother them or, even better, to make the teaser sound lame. Short comments such as, “Is that supposed to be funny?” or “Whatever man,” or “Yeah anyway,” can often put a stop to further teasing remarks.
Teasing among friends is often referred to as banter. Banter is playful and not mal-intended, though it can escalate into ugliness if kids aren’t careful. Friends know how to push buttons because they know each other’s secrets. If the end goal is to keep friends, adolescents should keep banter light and look for signs that a conversation might be headed in a negative direction.
Bullying is more serious than teasing or banter and requires distinct strategies, says Dr. Laugeson. Many adults tell kids to run away and tell someone; some suggest fighting back. If a person has a tendency to get physical, a sarcastic remark is likely to escalate the situation. Telling a teacher could be similarly damaging too if it provokes a bully to retaliate. Dealing with bullying is very tricky. Students are often damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Here are some strategies taught at the PEERS program to help individuals take control of bullying.
- Avoid the bully if you can help it. If you know that he visits his locker at a certain time of day, for example, avoid that hallway at that time.
- Don’t provoke the bully unnecessarily. Do not report minor offenses. Do not, for instance, tell on a bully who roams the hall without a hall pass.
- Don’t try to befriend the bully. Many adolescents think they can charm the bully but doing so only draws more attention. The bully is likely to escalate bullying acts or to pretend to be your friend and then manipulate you.
- Avoid being alone. Bullies look for kids who are by themselves. Try to be with friends but when you can’t, try to stay in the vicinity of an adult.
Many of these strategies seem unfair. Why should my child have to avoid his locker during fourth period or not act like himself when he pleases? Unfortunately schools have not yet found a way to combat bullying all together, but hopefully these strategies can help keep your children out of some sticky situations in the meantime. Despite the four above-mentioned strategies, of course, if your child feels he is in danger, encourage him to seek help from an adult.
Dr. Jaime Black is a licensed psychologist practicing in Westchester and New York City. Jaime specializes in working with individuals on the autism spectrum doing individual psychotherapy and conducting various social skills groups. Visit www.spectrumservicesnyc.com, e-mail JaimeBlackPsyD@gmail.com or call (914)712-8208.
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