Parenting Pep Talk: Why Willpower Is Not Enough
Whether you are trying to change your diet, exercise routine, or parenting practices, willpower is often thought to be the most important element. If willpower is all it takes then why do many of us fall into old habits so easily? Willpower alone is not enough. If you fail to reach a goal it’s not likely because you were simply weak-willed. There are many reasons you might not reach a goal, and understanding those factors will increase your chances of success. A recent article in Psychology Today magazine cited 14 reasons why willpower often fails us. Below are some practical tips for avoiding willpower pitfalls.
Avoid All or Nothing Thinking: Many of us overcommit to goals. We decide to exercise every single day, swear off all highly caloric foods, or vow to never ever miss our kid’s sporting event. We think that because we care so much we can proceed without error. This type of thinking, often called all-or-nothing thinking, is a cognitive distortion that leads to failure. If we expect to get it right all the time we are more likely to fail big. We tend to think it’s OK to eat the whole cake just because we slipped and had a few bites.
Don’t Overestimate Your Self-Control: “Our brains are prone to overestimating our willpower at the very points at which we are most liable to take a fall,” according to David DiSalvo in Psychology Today. Called “stimulus control,” people are often advised to avoid situations that are likely to trigger old habits. Gambling addicts should avoid casinos and alcoholics should avoid bars for good reason.
Try to Manage Stress: The more stress we face the more our cognitive resources get sapped, leaving less energy for exercising self-control. Build some de-stressing moments into your schedule. Stretch, take a walk, or do anything that can help calm and refocus you. We don’t hesitate to tell kids to take a break when they feel frustrated, but adults have a hard time following that advice themselves. We are more likely to stick to our guns when stress doesn’t have us on edge.
Don’t Go It Alone: If you are trying to get healthier, enlist the support of your family or friends. Make healthy cooking and physical activity part of your routine. If you are trying to stop snapping at your kids or partner after a long day, ask them for help when you are in a good mood. Explain the change you are trying to make and accept support.
Don’t Underestimate the Importance of Sleep: Like stress, lack of sleep saps us of the energy necessary for sustaining willpower. It tires our brains and causes slower processing, less mental and physical energy, and lower frustration tolerance.
Dopamine Matters: The pleasure center of our brain craves certain rewarding activities or foods. It’s important to remember that it takes a while for your brain to register what it no longer needs. Recognizing that your brain has a hard time letting go can help you sustain your efforts even if you slip up.
Don’t Ruminate About Failure: When we focus our energy on imagining the worst possible outcome we have less energy to focus on doing what we need to do to succeed. Spend time addressing and overcoming obstacles rather than fearing the worst.
Practice Practice Practice: No one becomes a star athlete or top-notch surgeon by sheer willpower. Technique, practice, and plans for overcoming failure are a critical ingredient for success.
Avoid “Moral Licensing”: “All of us live on a seesaw. When we do something morally questionable, we feel a sense of balance restored if we then do something morally laudable,” says DiSalvo. This is called “moral licensing.” Giving in to this seesaw can cause you to avoid exercising your will. Recognizing it can increase your chances of success.
Dr. Jaime Black is a licensed psychologist practicing in Westchester and New York City. Jaime works with high-functioning individuals on the autism spectrum, doing psychotherapy, conducting evaluations, and facilitating socialization groups including an improv social skills group. Visit www.spectrumservicesnyc.com, e-mail JaimeBlackPsyD@gmail.com or call (914)712-8208.
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