Parenting Pep Talk: What To Do About Temper Tantrums
Temper tantrums are common among young children who are still learning to effectively communicate. Screaming, crying, throwing things, and breath-holding are techniques children use to vent their frustration and anger. Tantrums are distressing to both children and parents, and the easiest way to stop a temper tantrum is to give your child what he wants. Children are insightful, however, and over time they learn that persistence gets them what they want, causing an unfortunate cycle of stressful interactions. Here are some tips for preventing tantrums and for handling them when they occur.
Many tantrums occur in response to changes. Alert your child to any changes in routine as early as possible and provide five-minute warnings before transitioning activities. Review with your child the plan for the day and stick to it as best you can. Also, allow your child to bring a favorite toy or game when there is a chance of him being bored or disruptive. Children like to have a sense of control, so it helps when they feel like they have a part in certain decision-making processes. Offer him two lunch options, for example, so he feels like he had a choice. Be mindful of where you place certain items. If you don’t want your child to eat all the Halloween candy, for instance, don’t leave it out on the kitchen table. And, importantly, pick your battles. While giving in to tantrums begets more tantrums, occasionally it is beneficial to avoid one all together. Would you rather allow your child ten extra minutes of computer time or hear him scream for the next thirty?
For most children, temper tantrums are a way to test limits and express disappointment or frustration. Children are trying to figure out if screaming and crying will get them what they want, and most will stop when they realize it does nothing. Drs. Dorilyn English and Jill Linden published some tips for handling tantrums. They suggest that as long as children are safe, parents should ignore tantrums all together. When a tantrum ends, praise good behavior and avoid discussing the tantrum. To avoid tantrums when hosting an event at home, make sure to allow your child to get acquainted with guests and take short breaks to attend to him throughout the evening. It might be beneficial to have a babysitter even though you are home.
Public tantrums can be the most challenging of all. Parents are often embarrassed, frazzled, and off their games. It is easy and understandable to want to give in to a child in public to make the screaming stop. The problem with giving in is that these behaviors will likely reoccur during future outings because your child has learned that at stores, screaming successfully gets him toys, candy, etc. Drs. English and Linden suggest a technique that many parents find controversial but quick and effective. They suggest parents ignore the tantrum by stepping out of the child’s eyesight but within their own until the tantrum subsides. If your child throws many tantrums in public, start taking short, close-to-home trips often and increase the length as behavior improves. Also, try incorporating child-friendly activities into your routine. Maybe a trip to the drug store can be followed by a short trip to the park.
Tantrums are common and according to WebMD, approximately half of children ages one through four will have one or more per week. New research, however, shows that less than 10 percent of preschool children exhibit daily tantrums regardless of gender, socioeconomic status, and ethnicity. The researchers say daily tantrums could be a sign of looming behavioral problems that need to be addressed. If you try various techniques and are still struggling with frequent tantrums, it may be time to visit a health care provider.
Dr. Jaime Black is a licensed psychologist practicing in Westchester and New York City. In addition to providing general mental health services, Jaime works with individuals of all ages on the autism spectrum, doing psychotherapy, conducting evaluations, and facilitating social skills groups. Visit www.spectrumservicesnyc.com, e-mail JaimeBlackPsyD@gmail.com or call (914)712-8208.
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