Parenting Pep Talk: Should My Child Disclose His Asperger’s To Peers?

Parents often fret about disclosing an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) to teachers, parents, and their children’s peers. Particularly in ASDs like Asperger’s, some parents hope their children can slide by unnoticed because they are so high functioning. This strategy is typically intended to protect children from ridicule and ostracism. Parents fear that children will become targets for rejection or bullying.

Handling the issue of disclosure becomes more complicated with age. First of all, we want children to accept and respect their own strengths and weaknesses as they learn to better understand themselves. Asking them to keep quiet about their diagnosis sends a message that something is wrong and should be kept secret. Second but equally important, “children are disclosing, inadvertently, all the time” says Brenda Dater, mother of children with ASDs and ADHD, and author of Parenting without Panic. Neurotypical children notice when other children behave in confusing ways and respond by devising their own labels. ASD children tend to be called “weird” or “strange” because other children just don’t understand their behaviors.

According to Parenting Without Panic, here are some ways children disclose without intending to:

• Having meltdowns at school.

• Using a loud voice in the classroom.

• Being inflexible when working in a group.

• Not joining in at recess or lunch.

• Doing “private” behaviors in public (nose picking, masturbation).

• Pacing in the classroom.

• Standing or sitting too close to others.

• Using classmates’ supplies without asking.

• Talking about a special interest even when others show their disinterest.

• Not picking up on teacher’s nonverbal communication.

• Chewing on clothing or gum.

• Their nonverbal communication seems “off.”

In addition to the negative ways that children inadvertently disclose, children with ASDs display a variety of positives that neurotypical children might appreciate. Here are just a few Asperger (“Aspie”) strengths according to renowned authors and practitioners Tony Attwood and Carol Gray in The Discovery of Aspie Criteria:

• Peer relationships are characterized by loyalty and are free of agism, sexism, and cultural biases.

• Ability to listen without judgment or assumption.

• Unique problem solving abilities.

• Desire for substantial conversations with little small talk.

• Persistence.

• Attention to detail (which can translate into helping peers with complex academic and other problems).

You and your child might decide to disclose a diagnosis to an entire class in grade school, though as children enter middle or high school they may want to do it individually or in very small groups. If your grade-school child feels ready, he could prepare a presentation with the help of a teacher. Children will want to include:

• A clear explanation of Autism Spectrum Disorders.

• Their own strengths and weaknesses, possibly with humorous anecdotes.

• Ways other people can help.

It’s a good idea to end with a Q&A session like Noah, one ASD child in Parenting Without Panic. In Noah’s presentation, one of his classmates asked, “Is there a cure for Asperger’s?” Noah responded, “You don’t need a cure. It’s not a disease.” His point was clear. Asperger’s was something you needed to understand so that you could provide support and accommodations—it was not something you needed to eradicate.

This framework for disclosure can be applied to any diagnosis from ADHD or Tourette’s Syndrome to physical disabilities like Cerebral Palsy. All children can benefit from learning to advocate for themselves or from hearing a classmate have the courage to do so. We all struggle in one way or another and we need to teach our children to recognize our commonalities and respect our differences.

Dr. Jaime Black is a licensed psychologist practicing in Westchester and New York City. Jaime works with high-functioning individuals on the autism spectrum, doing psychotherapy, conducting evaluations, and facilitating various socialization groups including an improv social skills group. Visit www.spectrumservicesnyc.com, e-mail JaimeBlackPsyD@gmail.com or call (914)712-8208.