Parenting Pep Talk: Seven Commonly Asked Questions About Toddlers
The toddler years are full of growth and amazement, but also confusion and apprehension. Parents often feel mystified by toddler behaviors and uncertain how to help during this critical period of development. The emotional skills toddlers develop influence them through adulthood. Child psychologist and director of the Barnard Center for Toddler Development, Dr. Tovah P. Klein answers questions about parenting toddlers. Here are some of Klein’s insights from her interview last week on the Leonard Lopate Show.
How important are routines? Toddlers have zero sense of time, Klein explains. By establishing a routine, parents set up a roadmap so they don’t have to micromanage all the time. For instance, when meal time and bedtime are relatively consistent kids know what to expect. When a routine is in place, most kids can learn to adapt and be flexible when inevitable deviations occur. Parents can talk through a change by saying things like, “Today is funny. We are going to eat in the dining room instead of the kitchen. Tomorrow we will go back to eating where we normally do.”
Should I punish my toddler? Punishment tends to backfire particularly for the youngest toddlers. Toddlers learn by doing and don’t see things as right or wrong. Spanking is counterproductive. Parents are role models and children are confused when they are spanked even though they are told not to hit others. While it’s true that a tap on the behind can get your toddler’s attention, many things will get their attention. Whether or not that’s a good thing is another question, Klein argues. Time-outs are also ineffective as they were designed to help older children who are capable of sitting away from their peers to contemplate what they did wrong. Toddlers do not have that capacity and instead benefit from simply being taken out of a bad situation.
How do I handle tantrums? Tantrums always have an underlying cause even though we don’t always know what the cause is. One common theme is that tantrums occur because a child is overwhelmed by negative emotions. It’s best to let them pass. Don’t lecture toddlers. Saying things like, “You were so upset just then. I love you. Let’s move on,” will reassure children that you love them despite their erratic and uncivilized behavior.
Should I let my toddler make mistakes? Toddlers learn through trying things out. Sometimes this is scary, especially for parents of adventurous kids. Klein asserts that in general, children don’t do things that they aren’t capable of. Let them climb and learn, and be there if they fall. Also take care not to point out all small errors and inadvertently induce shame. If your child struggles to get his shirt on, for example, but gets it on inside out, it might be better to let him wear it like that and feel good about his accomplishment. He’ll learn eventually.
How should I handle disappointment? You can’t take negative feelings away from your child. If they are upset or crying, allow them to feel what they are feeling and be there for them. Telling your toddler – or worse yelling at him – to stop crying will shame him rather than helping him learn to cope.
How much praise is too much? Like punishment, praise can backfire. It can cause a child to look for praise rather than internal satisfaction. Notice what they accomplish rather than praise. Say things like, “You worked so hard. You must feel so good that you finished that!” rather than things like “Good girl” or “You’re so smart.”
Do I trust my gut, my parents, the Internet? There is so much information on “best parenting practices.” Each child is wired somewhat differently. As a parent sometimes it’s best to step back and ask yourself what you believe is best for your child. Trust yourself – parents are often right.
Dr. Jaime Black is a licensed psychologist practicing in Westchester and New York City. Jaime works with high-functioning individuals on the autism spectrum, doing psychotherapy, conducting evaluations, and facilitating various socialization groups including an improv social skills group. Visit www.spectrumservicesnyc.com, e-mail JaimeBlackPsyD@gmail.com or call (914)712-8208.
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