Parenting Pep Talk: Recognizing When Love Becomes an Addiction
Romantic relationships are tied to happiness from adolescence throughout the lifespan. For most people being in a committed, reciprocal partnership leads to pleasure and enhances well-being. In some cases, however, people become so consumed with love that it significantly impairs their ability to function in day-to-day life. Work or school life suffers, relationships with family and friends become strained, and it becomes difficult to focus on anything other than the love interest. When this happens, love may be crossing the line into pathological territory. Love may not simply be love – it could be a kind of addiction.
Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term “limerence” to describe the phenomenon of being in such an all-consuming state of love. In her 1979 book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love, limerence was described as “an involuntary interpersonal state that involves an acute longing for emotional reciprocation, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and emotional dependence on another person.” Albert Wakin, an expert on limerence and a professor of psychology at Sacred Heart University, explains that limerence is a combination of obsessive-compulsive disorder and addiction. Just like with drug-addicts, there is an overwhelming drive to obtain the desired object.
Limerence can occur in a relationship or it can be a one-sided attraction, and its duration can depend on whether an individual’s affections are returned. When unrequited, limerent feelings tend to diminish over time, although in some cases risky behaviors such as stalking occur. When requited, the feelings can persist for years. It’s hard to predict which limerent relationships will grow into healthy, balanced ones and which will end in heartache and rejection.
Limerence is not the same as infatuation. While both can lead to feelings of euphoria, only limerence is associated with potentially toxic consequences. Limerence is characterized by compulsive thinking and obsessive behaviors. For instance, it is common for people to inconveniently rearrange their schedules just to see their love interest for a few minutes. Limerent individuals tend to place a positive spin on everything the other person says or does. They tend to be emotionally dependent and feel they cannot breathe without the other person. They constantly seek reciprocation and feel euphoria when they get it and despair when they don’t. Some even have thoughts of suicide.
According to Wakin, approximately 5 percent of the population suffers from limerence. Time heals some wounds but therapy and medication are often indicated. Individuals need help learning to regulate their thoughts and to cope with separation. They need to develop realistic expectations and improve frustration tolerance. Anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medications can help individuals curb their obsessive thoughts and focus on day-to-day activities. If someone in your life is exhibiting signs of limerence and is experiencing a serious decline in functioning, encourage them to seek help. Healthy romantic relationships do not wreak havoc on one’s life.
Dr. Jaime Black is a licensed psychologist practicing in Westchester and New York City. In addition to providing general mental health services, Jaime works with individuals of all ages on the autism spectrum, doing psychotherapy, conducting evaluations, and facilitating social skills groups. Visit www.spectrumservicesnyc.com, e-mail JaimeBlackPsyD@gmail.com or call (914)712-8208.
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