Parenting Pep Talk: How to Keep Parental Arguments Under Control

May 13, 2013 Examiner Media Parenting Pep Talk

Disagreements and arguments are a natural part of relationships and marriage. Parents will inevitably disagree about a variety of issues throughout their relationship and parenting years, and it isn’t necessarily a bad thing for children to witness some dissention. Lessons can be learned from respectful conflict resolution, but hostile fights that involve screaming and name-calling have harmful effects on children.

Avoid involving children in arguments. Children tend to identify with both parents, so when a child is asked to take a side or witnesses name calling, he feels criticized himself. Contentious arguments that get nowhere leave children feeling emotionally threatened and increase their risk for depression, anxiety, aggression, and hostility.

Children who witness repeated, nasty, and unproductive fighting are also more likely to bail on their own relationships as adults. At first, fighting frightens children, but over time they tend to become disgusted by parental behaviors, according to Dr. John W. Jacobs, M.D., author of “All You Need Is Love and Other Lies About Marriage.” Children ask themselves how their parents can stand to be trapped in such a contentious relationship and end up leaving their own relationships at the first signs of discord.

If an explosive fight has ensued, don’t ignore it. Children are perceptive enough and are affected by even slight signs of tension, so they will certainly be aware if a particularly bad fight has occurred. Talk to your children about it in age-appropriate terms. Apologize for any misbehavior and reassure them that you love them and each other. Explain how you wish you had handled the disagreement. You can also involve them in deciding how to decrease the likelihood of a repeated offense. Disagreements can be used to teach problem-solving abilities, coping skills, and emotional regulation. Children who witness effective conflict resolution learn that conflict with a loved one is not the end of the world.

Dr. Carol Ummel Lindquist, Ph.D., author of “Happily Married With Kids” offers the following suggestions for keeping arguments under control:

Argue as though the neighbors are able to hear you. No name-calling, no foul language, no raised voice.
Actively use your listening skills.
Give direct eye contact and do nothing else while your spouse is talking. Look riveted. Nod your head, no matter what they are saying.
Repeat what the person has said. Use as many of the same words as possible.
Sympathize. Let the other person know you understand that they are feeling bad, even if they are blaming you for the problem.
Ask, “Is there anything more you want to tell me?” Give your partner a chance to discover deeper feelings, and to shift to a calmer, more neutral place.

It is important to remember who you are fighting with. Try to maintain respect even when angry. When we are in the midst of a heated argument our mental acuity diminishes and we tend to think of the other person as the enemy. Psychologist Laura Kastner suggests that if an argument is on the rise, say nothing. Her mantra is “Don’t just do something, stand there.” She calls this tactic “getting to calm.” Take a deep breath and learn to pick your battles.

Dr. Jaime Black is a licensed psychologist practicing in Westchester and New York City. In addition to providing general mental health services, Jaime works with individuals of all ages on the autism spectrum, doing psychotherapy, conducting evaluations, and facilitating social skills groups. Visit www.spectrumservicesnyc.com, e-mail JaimeBlackPsyD@gmail.com or call (914)712-8208.