Parenting Autistic Children in a Divorce Environment
Families with one or more autistic children often struggle with consistency. Parents tend to fight over the importance of following through with structure, particularly when frustrations are high and time is limited. These challenges are heightened in families of divorce. Divorce adds complexity and variability to children’s lives, and it gives each parent more individual responsibility. In addition, since time spent with a parent may be limited, there is extra pressure to make it enjoyable. Often this means limiting the demands placed on children, especially if a parent does not fully appreciate the importance and consequences of such demands. With mutual goals, commitment to a plan, and practice, parents and their children can manage autism and divorce successfully.
The typical image of autism is a young child struggling to communicate and socialize. Fewer people imagine a smart and capable though somewhat disengaged twenty-something living at home with a parent. However, there are many of these individuals in our community. Typically they are diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome or High-Functioning Autism. These are often bright and sometimes incredibly intelligent individuals who have had support throughout their school years, who then have no direction after high school. They may not be ready for college and have no real marketable skills for employment. Divorced parents of these autistic adults face unique challenges.
Both children and adults on the autistic spectrum respond well to structure and consistency. They have routines that are crucial for their optimal functioning. Of course, parents want their children to learn to handle change, but divorce itself is a huge change, and children do better when other areas of their lives remain as consistent as possible. It is important for parents to be on the same page – to share goals and a plan to achieve them. Whenever possible, children’s therapies, routines, and progression plans should remain unchanged.
As young children become teenagers and adults they will become more resistant to parental influence. In a divorced family, children tend to side with the parent who demands less. This is the time, however, when consistency in parenting is the key to making all the years of therapy and support count. The goal of all the previous work was not just to get the child through school but to help him become an independent adult, functioning as a member of society.
Too often parents of autistic adults are divided – one wants to push the child outside their comfort zone and the other takes a laissez-faire approach, fearing that putting pressure on the child is cruel or unfair. The more laid-back parent seems to forget how much effort it took to get their child where they are, and how pushing and urging their child out of that comfort zone ultimately led to his incrementally improved functioning and happiness.
Many parents mistakenly believe that their adult children will grow out of their challenges. In actuality, when autistic adults become accustomed to not being challenged, it becomes increasingly difficult to break old habits. For instance, in my practice I have seen adults finish high school only to stay in a parent’s home most days doing nothing but what they find immediately pleasurable. One parent will want the individual to work or take a class – or to engage in any activity that challenges him. The other might decide to take the wait-and-see approach. How can parents resolve this and do what is ultimately in the best interests of their family?
Parents should try to set goals together and if necessary, seek help in doing so. Even if they aren’t married, they share a common purpose to see their child flourish. Ultimately most parents can agree on at least one point: they want their child to be able to function without them when that inevitable time comes. If parents can agree on that, it can open the discussion about what it takes to achieve that common goal.
Jaime earned her Doctorate in Clinical Psychology from Yeshiva University. She works in a private practice in NYC doing psychotherapy and evaluations. Jaime’s specialty is in working with individuals of all ages on the autism spectrum. www.spectrumservicesnyc.com. JaimeBlackPsyD@gmail.com. (914)712-8208.
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