Parenting 20-Somethings: Where Do You Draw The Line?

May 28, 2012 Examiner Media Parenting Pep Talk

Parents and children often struggle with the relationship changes that take place as children enter their 20’s. Twenty-somethings can expect continued financial support while rejecting parental advice. Many finish college and move back home, assuming their parents will care for them in the same way they did before college. Once again, they have a stocked fridge, a clean living space, and folded laundry. Yet parents are often uncertain if kids should be allowed to return to such a carefree lifestyle. Shouldn’t a 20-something be able to handle such responsibilities? As a parent, can I say “no” to things that I used to say “yes” to? Should I still give my child money? If my child hasn’t found a job, shouldn’t I do everything in my power to find him one? It is very common for parents to be uncertain about the best way to parent a child in this new stage of life.

Psychology professor Jeffrey Arnett refers to the 20’s as the stage of “emerging adulthood.” Emerging adulthood is like a second adolescence. Individuals are further exploring their identities, are self-focused, are uncertain about various career and relationship options, and they have what Arnett calls a “sense of possibilities.” There is a feeling of being in between and – not yet an adult but not a child either. In addition, parents may have experienced their 20’s differently than this generation of 20-somethings will experience it. This generation tends to get married and start families later, and jobs are scarcer now. It’s no wonder why so many parents are confused about how to handle all the demands of such an unstable and in many ways unchartered stage of life.

Many people have heard the term “helicopter parents” used to describe parents who hover over their children and make decisions for them. More recently, Generation Y expert Christine Hassler coined the term “cockpit parents.” These parents not only hover but seem to be in the pilot’s seat, taking control over all aspects of a child’s life. While cockpit parenting comes from a place of concern and care about children’s well-being, it often leads to a variety of adverse outcomes for 20-somethings. Cockpit parenting is prevalent in families where children are unmotivated and jobless. Parents are consumed with concern about their children’s careers, and they react by doing everything possible to help. Parents write resumes, call in favors, and set up interviews for their children. These emerging adults skip the process of finding jobs and they have little appreciation for how challenging it can be. They also miss the learning and growth that takes place through that process. While parents are doing the legwork, the 20-something is often living home rent-free and is being well-fed. Many still manage to scrape up enough cash to go out with friends.

There is a line between supporting and enabling. Ultimately parents want their children to function independently, so model the adult you want your child to be and help him build confidence so he can become that adult. Of course parents are there to guide their children at any stage in life, but they should not be in the pilot’s seat. If a child returns to live at home, it is OK and even advisable to set rules. Discuss finances so they know what to expect. Increase their responsibilities at home, and if they haven’t found work, ask them how they plan on navigating the job application process. Don’t do it for them, but allow them to devise solutions and be there if they have questions. In the end, 20-somethings should emerge out of “emerging adulthood” as competent adults. As parents, make sure your daily actions are supporting that end goal and are not enabling your child to remain in this exciting and all possible, yet unsustainable stage of life.

Dr. Jaime Black is a licensed psychologist. In her private practice, Jaime specializes in working with individuals of all ages on the autism spectrum, doing psychotherapy, conducting evaluations, and facilitating various social skills groups. www.spectrumservicesnyc.com. JaimeBlackPsyD@gmail.com. (914)712-8208.