Parent or Friend: What Does My Child Need From Me?
Being a good parent is similar in many ways to being a good friend, but you have to respect some key differences between them. Both relationships require mutual respect, compassion, and room for individual differences, but only parenting involves a responsibility to guide, to advise, and to set limits with consequences for misbehavior. The parents’ role is to care for and support children until maturity. A friend on the other hand is a comrade, an equal. It’s in your child’s best interest for you to have a clear role as parent.
Parents who treat their children as friends are often called “permissive parents.” Permissive parents have few rules or standards for behavior, and they rarely discipline. They are seen as lenient and responsive rather than proactive in ensuring appropriate behavior. They consider themselves to be nontraditional and in many ways allow their children to raise themselves. While some parents believe this style of parenting promotes independence, it is actually linked to a variety of adverse outcomes for children.
Children with permissive parents are more likely to lack self-discipline and motivation. They may act inappropriately in school or at formal occasions because their parents fail to enforce mature behaviors in the home. These children also tend to feel insecure due to the lack of boundaries and expectations. They may be self-involved and demanding. One study showed that children were more likely to react violently to conflict or disappointment when parented permissively. In another study, children of permissive parents were more likely to drink heavily and were more prone to substance use.
Permissive parenting also causes problems when children take on the role of adult confidant. Children should not be responsible for ensuring their parents emotional well-being. It is stressful for a child to hear intimate details about divorce, for example. It is a difficult balance, but it’s important to find a way to help your children understand what is going on without burdening them unnecessarily. Save negative comments about your spouse or your own feelings of insecurity for true adult friends. It is OK for children to know that parents are human, have negative feelings, and make mistakes, but you want children to see you as capable and self-assured. They shouldn’t be so consumed by your problems that there is no room left for their own.
“Authoritative parenting” is viewed as the most successful parenting style according to child development specialists. These parents set expectations, place appropriate limits, and discipline fairly. They promote independence while being warm, nurturing, and available. They encourage children to express their opinions, and they listen. They tend to be more flexible, taking circumstances into account when handling a situation. Authoritative parents act as role models, making children more likely to internalize their values and behaviors. Their children tend to exhibit good emotional understanding and control and to feel self-confident.
Children have the capacity to develop friendships, some of which will be fleeting and some will be long-lasting. Navigating such relationships and other challenges of childhood can be complicated. Children need parents – not another friend – to be always present and unwaveringly supportive.
Dr. Jaime Black is a licensed psychologist practicing in Westchester and New York City. In addition to providing general mental health services, Jaime works with individuals of all ages on the autism spectrum, doing psychotherapy, conducting evaluations, and facilitating social skills groups. www.spectrumservicesnyc.com. JaimeBlackPsyD@gmail.com. (914)712-8208.
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