Leaving Children for the First Time

May 6, 2012 Examiner Media Parenting

Any mother will tell you that leaving a child for the first time is a gut wrenching experience. Am I being selfish? Can relatives (even dad) care for him in the same way that I do? Will he be traumatized or forget me while I am gone? These are just a few examples of thoughts mothers have as they anticipate leaving a child for the first time, but many mothers report that the anticipation is worse than the actual experience of being away. In fact, it can be a rewarding experience for all involved.

Research indicates that quality and not quantity of time spent with children has the strongest impact on healthy development. In addition, mothers who have a well-rounded and fulfilled life tend to have children who are well-adjusted. When children feel secure they are better able to handle a maternal absence, especially when they are left with familiar and trusted caregivers. Children need a trusted person around, but that person does not always have to be the mother. Despite knowing that quality is more important than quantity, it is understandable that mothers will still be anxious about being away from their children.

Depending on a child’s age, there are certain activities a mother can do to prepare for being away. First, prepare a schedule for the caregiver so that your child can retain as much stability as possible. This also takes the guesswork out of the equation for the babysitter. Many grandparents like to veer from such schedules thinking they are allowed to indulge the grandchild. Try providing specific examples of how your child typically acts when off schedule, and remind the grandparents how much easier their lives will be if they stick to it. Depending on your child’s age, you may want to make a calendar beginning a few days before departure that you can review with your child. Don’t begin too far in advance because young children have a different sense of time than adults. You want them to be aware of when you are leaving and, of course, when you will return! You can also set up a call schedule. They may not understand the clock, but they might understand that mom will call when they wake up, at lunch, before dinner, etc.

Remember that your child looks to you for assurance. If you apologize to your child for leaving or if he senses your fear and apprehension, he is more likely to react with similar emotions. Try framing your absence in terms of the positive. For example, describe the fun activities he will do with grandma and grandpa and tell him you can’t wait to talk to him on the phone. Unfortunately, the fear of being separated from your children will recur throughout their development. The first day at preschool, the first time they are allowed to drive alone, and the first time they go out on their own are all common anxiety-provoking and unavoidable experiences for parents. The band aid must be torn off at some point. Parents can’t keep their children or themselves safely at home at all times. Just remember that your fears and the intensity with which you experience your emotions are common, and that the anticipation is worse than the actual experience. You might even enjoy a little time to yourself!

Dr. Jaime Black is a licensed psychologist. In her private practice, Jaime specializes in working with individuals of all ages on the autism spectrum, doing psychotherapy, conducting evaluations, and facilitating various social skills groups. www.spectrumservicesnyc.com. JaimeBlackPsyD@gmail.com. (914)712-8208.