HRU, Neighbor?

How all these online neighborhood groups are putting the “nay” in neighborly

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What I believe to be the most compelling story to come out of 2020 had nothing to do with the pandemic. Or the national government, or even local. Not with masks, or vaccines or mandates, or children. It had to do with some chickens in my old neighborhood.

During quarantine last year, people worldwide looked for new ways to stave off quarantine boredom. Some found new, exciting hobbies, like running or knitting. Others dove head-first into bingeing the latest shows on streaming services. But I, an enlightened individual, did neither of those things. Instead, I took out my phone, made popcorn, and threw myself into chronically reading the messy, mundane, and usually passive-aggressive posts in Westchester County’s local online neighborhood groups. Because for some reason, while the world was shut down, somehow, someway, neighbors found absurd things to post about. And I’m here for it.

In November of 2020, a neighbor, Ellen, posted in my childhood neighborhood Facebook group that coyote sightings had increased around the area. She had believed it was due to the chickens that another neighbor legally owned. Instead of speaking to the neighbor who owned the chickens directly, Ellen contacted the local police department. Eventually, she elevated the coyote sightings to the New York State Wildlife bureau, which recommended removing the aforementioned chickens. Ellen mentioned that she wanted to start a petition to gain signatures to remove the chickens and that she also wanted to hold a Zoom call with the ENTIRE neighborhood over the coyotes.

Ellen, despite her noble cause, was not lionized by the rest of the neighbors. Instead, all of the neighbors, none of whom have a degree in animal wildlife and welfare, antagonized her and said that coyotes were of no danger and even patronized her, saying that coyotes are actually big scaredy cats (I am paraphrasing here). One neighbor even went as far as to write, “#savethechickens,” which I want to be printed on a t-shirt. And thus ended Ellen’s involvement in the neighborhood group, which she promptly left. And so began my addiction to reading online neighborhood forums.

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There’s been a deluge in online neighborhood groups as of late. We used to live in a world where once we shut our front door behind us, we were checked out of our neighborhood social scene for the night. But with the genesis of community and neighborhood Facebook groups and even the website “Nextdoor,” keeping up with the Joneses down the block is now a full-time job. 

There are plenty of positives to these hyper-local sites. Community events get greater publicity, there are plenty of people to ask about local recommendations, and even lost dogs are easier to locate with a touch of a button.

But outweighing the good from these groups is the bad.  The so very, very bad. One scroll through a local community group would make one see that these online forums really put the “nay” in the neighborly.

The first offenders are suburban moms, who relentlessly and virtually shamed town residents throughout quarantine for not wearing a face mask outside. Nothing says “vigilante justice” quite like a suburban mom who has no hesitation to slander your character to the rest of the P.T.A.

Then, of course, are your usual political spats, where Kyle from two houses down decides that an arbitrary Wednesday night at 9:37 p.m. is an excellent time to start a digital filibuster. Inflammatory and usually factually incorrect comments are posted ad nauseam with no clear winner. And even though you disagree with Kyle on all of his points, you tell him in person he made a great case because he is also the only person on your block who gives out full-sized candy bars at Halloween, and you don’t want to deprive your children of such a luxury.

But the types of posts on all these neighborhood groups that really just puzzle me are the ones people wouldn’t need to post if they just did a quick Google search.

On my local Nextdoor, a woman, we’ll call her Sandy, posted a video a few weeks ago of her apartment and the noise coming from her upstairs neighbor. With the video, she wrote, “Ambient noise. So today I called the police to report this noise coming down from my upstairs neighbor’s apartment.  It has been an ongoing problem. The police officer told me this is ambient noise.  Can someone tell me what is ambient noise.” With no question mark, because Sandy apparently doesn’t live in a world with grammar rules nor the fundamental understanding of when she should actually call the police.

For starters, Sandy, I’d like to say the phone call to the police was probably a poor use of taxpayer funds. Secondly, when the police officer first mentioned “ambient noise,” why didn’t you ask him what it meant? Thirdly, Sandy, just buy earplugs.

So the next time you’re looking to fill your time with an unproductive activity, turn to your local neighborhood group on Facebook. If you’re looking for more outrageous neighborhood group stories, you can check out the “Things of Nextdoor” subreddit. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll find your own group of chickens to save.

Erin Maher is a writer and Westchester native. She has written on a myriad of topics, including life as a millennial and tennis. When not writing, Erin can be found on the tennis and pickleball courts or lovingly scrolling through pictures of dogs on Instagram. For more of her musings, visit erinmaherwrites.com, and follow her on Instagram @erinmaherwrites and Twitter @erinmaherwrites.

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