Home Guru
A note from Bill: From time to time, I pick out snippets from my columns that readers tell me they enjoyed. These little absurdities are included in my upcoming book, “Musings of The Home Guru: Observations and Advice about Buying, Selling and Maintaining Homes, both Practical and Absurd.” Look for it in the fall.
How I First Learned about Sex, at Home on the Telephone!
With the pending demise of the home phone, it’s sad that our children will never know the history and idiosyncrasies of the pre-cordless era. When was the last time, for instance, that you heard the term “party line?” For me, it took on meaning when my family moved to Virginia during a time of limited telephone lines, and most people had to share a line with one or more other families. At 11-years-old, my neighborhood buddy Tommy and I would listen in secretly to that anonymous woman who was quite verbal with her extra-marital boyfriend. It was a party line, all right. We didn’t need sexting in those days to learn about the birds and the bees.
A Man Holds on to His, Pardon the Expression, Junk
I was meeting with a couple after signing a listing agreement and was suggesting that we call in a stager to help them neutralize their rooms to show better. “Neutralize?” the man asked? “Ouch,” he said, “please, don’t say that. It sounds too much like “neuterize!”
Whatever You Do in Bed, a Mattress to Support It
When I was a single young man, living as a carefree bachelor in the city, I preferred firmer mattresses that allowed greater movement, but once I got married I preferred softer versions where one tends to sink into a spot and pretty much stay there. I haven’t drawn any conclusions about that transition but perhaps the reader might.
St. Joseph to the Rescue, for a Neighbor, That Is
There are so many stories about St. Joseph being petitioned successfully to help sell a house, but there are also warnings about the best way to bury his statue in the yard. Usually we are told to bury the statue upside down, facing the house. One real estate blogger shared the story of how his client made a directional error in the way the statue faced, and his neighbor’s home across the street sold. And, it wasn’t even on the market!
Remembering the Days before Child Safety Devices
I get so frustrated when I am showing a house and I encounter one of those child safety devices that I myself cannot figure out, such as those on doorknobs. Too bad they didn’t exist when I was 2-years-old and opened the door to the basement, falling down a flight of steps and landing on my head on a concrete floor. I survived, but as I grew older and starting acting up as a teenager, my mother would say something like, “it must be from the time you fell on your head as a baby.” I soon learned to turn the tables on her and used it as an excuse many times. When she’d say, “You forgot to take out the garbage again,” I would respond, “Gee, Mom, I guess it’s from the time I fell on my head.”
The Attic Reveals our Past
Functionally the attic is the hat and umbrella of a house, but it is also the repository for the remnants of our past, and anyone looking at my attic today would think, wow, this guy has quite a past. When it came time to clean our attic out for the first time in 25 years, to save steps, we just opened the attic window and threw down old clothes, books and office records directly to the lawn, to sort out there. Any passer-by would have thought that someone had gone berserk inside the house. After a number of subsequent attempts to perform the ultimate job of adequate attic cleaning and organization, I have only one tip: get help!
Fear of Heights at Home
Clogged gutters and drains can cause terrible problems in the home, such as wet basements, damaged soffits, deterioration of siding materials, and soil erosion around the house. To avoid these problems, it is best to clean rain gutters at least twice a year. You can do it yourself if you’re not afraid of heights as I am. Correction: I’m not afraid of heights; I’m afraid of falling off the ladder and breaking my neck.
Does the Name of Your Street Affect Its Appeal?
Besides serving as a way to find where you live, can the name of your street influence the perception of your home and its value, positively or negatively? The thought occurred to me a while back when I read a newspaper report about a complaint among residents of a certain town in Putnam County where a local motel housed a number of sex offenders in their midst. At the end of the article, almost as a throwaway, the motel’s street address was listed as Sodom Road. You just can’t make this stuff up.
Bill Primavera is a Residential and Commercial Realtor® associated with Coldwell Banker, as well as a marketer and journalist who writes regularly as The Home Guru. For questions about home maintenance or to buy or sell a home, he can be emailed at Bill@TheHomeGuru.com or called directly at 914-522-2076.
