Domestic Violence: You Don’t Have to Be Tortured Anymore
News Based on facts, either observed and verified directly by the reporter, or reported and verified from knowledgeable sources.
By Ilyssa Panitz
In 1987, October was designated as Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The goal was to draw attention to this growing problem where a reported 10 million cases – that’s one person every 20 seconds – has been the victim of abuse by their partner or spouse.
In an effort to further visualize this important message, advocates and survivors of domestic violence wear a purple ribbon because the color symbolizes pain, suffering, peace, courage, survival, honor and the never-ending dedication to ending these horrible crimes. Yes, domestic violence is a crime in the United States.
In 1994, Congress passed the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), which was designed to better equip the authorities with how to respond to these matters when one side is inflicting harm on another. Although the system is not perfect (some say broken), and many cases are still slipping through the cracks, Washington is working to improve its handling of domestic violence.
In March, President Biden signed into law the Violence Against Women Act Reauthorization Act of 2022. Say what you want about President Biden, but the commander-in-chief does have a track record of working with members of Congress from both parties to pass legislation to renew and strengthen VAWA three times: in 2000, 2005 and 2013.
What’s interesting, here we are moving toward the end of 2022 and the perception when it comes to domestic violence is that it still only happens in low-income households because an abuser would never be a well-educated, high-level executive. That rationale couldn’t be further from the truth.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 23.2 percent of women and 13.9 percent of men have experienced severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime. Domestic violence is not only physical; it also includes mental, emotional, verbal, religious, sexual, stalking and financial abuse.
The New York State Division of Criminal Justice Services published its 2020 breakdown of domestic violence cases across the Empire State. In Westchester County, 37 different precincts reported 1,724 domestic violence cases incidents involving weapons, sexual offenses, physical assault and violations of protection orders. And this number represents only the reported cases. Victims are often too scared to call the police on their abusers for fear of retaliation. So again, if you think it can’t happen where you live or to a parent in your carpool, it most certainly can.
While every bruise, scar or wound may not be visible, the pain the abuser is inflicting on their victim is excruciating and can have permanent damage if the victim doesn’t take action to break free from the abuser’s wrath. Take it from one who was there and spent 18 months trying to get a Temporary Order of Protection (TOP). You also have a legal right to ask for one if you are worried and filled with terror that your life is in danger.
Start by gathering evidence. You need actual proof that violence is happening to you because if you don’t, it is your word against the other side. First, I started a journal. I documented everything that was happening. You don’t have to write an encyclopedia but rather a timeline of events as they occur.
Two, I saved police reports if the cops responded to an incident.
Three, I did not delete my abuser’s e-mails, texts and voicemails because those would confirm my entries were authentic and truthful.
Four, I downloaded a recording app on my smartphone. I would press the red record button when my abuser was mistreating me and threatening my life by saying (and I quote), “I will have you shot dead, put in a grave and you better watch your back.”
I also suggest not being obvious you are recording your abuser because that can escalate the already high-stress situation. I kept my phone, which was small enough to fit in the back pocket of my jeans, so it wasn’t noticeable. Since New York is considered a one-party consent state, if you know you are taping what is transpiring between you and your abuser, the other side does not need to know you are doing this, hence why I kept my iPhone out of plain sight.
Once you have what you need to make your case, you want to go to Family Court and present it to a judge. There are three Family Court locations in Westchester County: White Plains, New Rochelle and Yonkers. Many victims often go in without an attorney. However, if you can afford a lawyer, you should consult with them beforehand or have them accompany you. If you don’t have enough money to retain an attorney, there are organizations in Westchester that can provide you with free legal advice and guide you.
No one has the right to hurt you. The number one goal, especially if you are a parent with young children, is to protect yourself and your kids, get to a safe place and stand up to your abuser by voicing, “Enough is enough!”
After years of being tortured, lied to, followed and taught to believe I was worthless and stupid, I decided to take action by breaking free from my abuser. I have never looked back.
Ilyssa Panitz has covered the topic of divorce extensively across multiple platforms for CNN, MSNBC, 1010 WINS radio and Star and Closer magazines. Committed to helping others navigate this major life transition, she writes a daily column on divorce for Authority Magazine on Medium. She also serves as the content and editorial producer for The National Association of Divorce Professionals and was the former co-host of “All Things Divorce” on Clubhouse. She also hosts a national radio show called “The Divorce Hour with Ilyssa Panitz” that airs every Saturday and Sunday on CRN Digital Talk Radio and on Spotify, Google Podcasts, iTunes and Alexa.
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