Domestic Violence: You Don’t Have To Be Tortured Anymore
Opinion Advocates for ideas and draws conclusions based on the author/producer’s interpretation of facts and data.
By Ilyssa Panitz
In 1987, October was designated as “Domestic Violence Awareness Month.” The goal was to draw attention to this growing problem where a reported 10-million cases, that’s one person every 20-seconds, has been the victim of abuse by their partner/spouse. In an effort to further visualize this important message, advocates and survivors of domestic violence wear a purple ribbon because the color symbolizes pain, suffering, peace, courage, survival, honor, and the never-ending dedication to ending these horrible crimes. Yes, Domestic Violence is a crime in The United States.
In 1994, Congress passed the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), which was designed to better equip the authorities with how to respond to these matters when one side is inflicting harm on another. Although the system is not perfect (some say broken), and many cases are still slipping through the cracks, Washington is working to improve its handling of domestic violence. Back in March, President Biden signed into law the Violence Against Women Act Reauthorization Act of 2022. Say what you want about President Biden, but The Commander-in-Chief does have a track record of working with Members of Congress from both parties to pass legislation to renew and strengthen VAWA three times: in 2000, 2005, and 2013.
What’s interesting, here we are at the end of the year 2022, and the perception when it comes to domestic violence still only happens in low-income households because an abuser would never be a well-educated, high-level executive. I am here to tell you that rationale couldn’t be further from the truth.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), approximately 1 in 4 women (23.2%) and 1 in 7 men (13.9%) have experienced severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime. I want to quickly add domestic violence is not just physical. Domestic violence also includes mental, emotional, verbal, religious, sexual, stalking, and financial abuse.
The New York State Division of Criminal Justice Services published its 2020 breakdown of the total amount of domestic violence cases across the Empire State. Here in Westchester County, 37 different precincts from six cities, 19 towns, and 23 villages reported 1,724 Domestic Violence cases incidents involving assault weapons, sexual offenses, physical assault, and violations of protection orders. Remember: this number is just the reported cases. Often victims are too scared to call the cops on their abusers for fear of retaliation. So again, if you think it can’t happen where you reside or to a parent in your carpool, it most certainly can.
While every bruise, scar, or wound may not be visible, the pain the abuser is inflicting on their victim is excruciating and can have permanent damage if the victim doesn’t take action to break free from the abuser’s wrath. Take it from one who was there and spent 18 months trying to get a TOP, which stands for a Temporary Order of Protection. If you are wondering if you, too, can ask for a TOP, the answer is yes. You have a legal right to ask for one if you are worried and filled with terror that your life is in danger.
Start by gathering evidence. You need actual proof that this is happening to you because if you don’t, it is your word against the other side. I did a bunch of different things I am going to share. One: I started a journal. I documented everything that was happening. You don’t have to write an encyclopedia but rather a timeline of events as they occur. Two: I saved police reports if the cops responded to an incident. Three: I did not delete my abuser’s emails, texts, and voicemails because those would confirm my entries/writings were authentic and truthful. Four: I downloaded a recording app on my smartphone. I would press the red record button when my abuser was mistreating me and threatening my life by saying (and I quote), “I will have you shot dead, put in a grave, and you better watch your back.” I also suggest not being obvious you are recording your abuser because that can escalate the already high-stressful situation. I kept my phone, which was small enough to fit in the back pocket of my jeans, so it wasn’t noticeable. Since New York is considered a one-party consent state, if you know you are taping what is transpiring between you and your abuser, the other side does not need to know you are doing this, hence why I kept my iPhone out of plain sight.
Once you have what you need to make your case, you want to take this to Family Court and present it to the Judge. There are three Family Court locations in Westchester County: White Plains, New Rochelle, and Yonkers. Many victims often go in without an attorney. However, if you can afford a lawyer, you should consult with them beforehand or have them with you. If you don’t have enough money to retain an attorney, there are organizations right here in Westchester that will provide you with free legal advice and guide you.
No one — and I mean no one — has the right to hurt you! The #1 goal, especially if you are a parent with young children, is to protect yourself and your kids, get to a safe place and stand up to your abuser by voicing, “enough is enough!” After years of being tortured, lied to, followed, and taught to believe I was worthless and stupid, I decided to take action by breaking free from my abuser, and I have never looked back.
Ilyssa Panitz has covered the topic of divorce extensively across multiple platforms via outlets ranging from CNN and MSBC to 1010 WINS radio and Star and Closer magazines. Committed to helping others navigate this major life transition, she writes a daily column on divorce for Authority Magazine on Medium. She also serves as the content/editorial producer for The National Association of Divorce Professionals and was the former
Co-Host of All Things Divorce on Clubhouse.
Most recently, Panitz has been able to reach an even wider audience through her role as creator, writer, producer, and host of a national radio show called The Divorce Hour with Ilyssa Panitz that airs every Saturday and Sunday on CRN Digital Talk Radio and on Spotify, Google Podcasts, iTunes, and Alexa.
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