Could My Friend’s Fiancé Be Gay?
Question:
What do I do if I think my female friend’s fiancé is gay? – Alison from Westchester
Answer:
Well, that’s a tough one! It is certainly difficult to watch people we are close to enter into situations that we believe might lead to hurt and disappointment. In some circumstances it is challenging but appropriate to intervene while in others it is inadvisable. In any situation, you want to be mindful of what it would mean to a friend to have a delicate subject brought to her attention. Relationships are particularly tricky and even more so when there is a marriage involved. Is your friend easily offended? Could she laugh something like this off if she thinks it is ridiculous? Do you think that talking to her about it could end her relationship or possibly yours?
What are the signs that led you to believe your friend’s fiancé might be gay? Do you have evidence that he has engaged in a gay affair at any point in his life or it is just a general suspicion? There is certainly a growing breed of “metrosexuals,” men who are more attentive to their appearance and have some traditionally-female interests, who can be mistaken for homosexuals. There are also bisexual men who fall in love with and choose to marry a woman. How close are you to this friend? It is possible that she knows and accepts aspects of her fiancé’s life, past or present. However, it is also possible that she will be blind sighted if your suspicions are correct and she finds out in the future.
So the challenge is in determining if intervening in any way (i.e. talking to her about it) will help or harm. Try to think about her relationship comprehensively. Is she happy? Do they seem happy when they are together? Do they have mutual values and life goals? If so, it is probably best to refrain from broaching the subject unless she comes to you with any concerns. If you have had these concerns, it probably would have been better to bring them to her attention early in their relationship. Suggesting that her future husband could be gay now will likely lead to defensiveness on her part and create discord in your friendship. She could be offended by the suggestion that you know her fiancé better than she does.
Try to visualize how such a conversation might go and take note of your feelings and her reactions. What would you like to result? I can imagine a few reactions. She could appreciate your candor, agree, and break off the wedding. She could become upset with you for suggesting it and either forgive you or disengage from you. In addition, she might become apprehensive about the marriage but go through with it anyway. Think about how each of these reactions would make you feel. In each case, do you picture feeling confident in your choice to talk about it? I suggest allowing the feelings that result from the visualization exercises to guide your decision. Without any proof of your suspicions, it is probably best to refrain, to support her, and to be there as a friend if your suspicions are realized.
Jaime earned her doctorate in Clinical Psychology from Yeshiva University. She currently works in a private practice in NYC doing psychotherapy and career counseling. In addition to providing general psychological services, Jaime has extensive experience working with individuals of all ages on the autism spectrum. She lives in Hartsdale. (Advice given in Ask Jaime is not intended to be a substitute for individual psychotherapy.)
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