Repairing a Fragile Father-Daughter Relationship
Question:
I am married and have an 8-year-old daughter. I am able to spend more time with my daughter than my husband, even though we both work full time. I am very close with my daughter and am also the primary disciplinarian. Her relationship with my husband has devolved into constant fighting and power struggles. I believe that he views her as rude and disrespectful, and I believe that she sees him as always ignoring her (though it is for work). When they spend time together, they fight over everything, and the shouting is out of control. I am often caught in the middle. How can I help them improve their fragile relationship without damaging my relationship with either one of them?
– Elaine in Hartsdale
Answer:
Although the problem lies between your husband and daughter, it affects all of you. It is difficult for each family member in different ways. There are things that you can do to help them develop a healthier relationship and make the situation better overall. In situations like this, the adults have to make changes first. You can help your husband examine and take responsibility for his own behaviors, and if he is unwilling, he cannot expect an 8-year-old girl to be.
Attempt to explain your daughter’s behaviors in terms of child development and appropriate expectations. 8-year-olds typically enjoy expressing their viewpoints. They tend not to respond well to yes or no and they want to know why, for example, their actions are wrong or unacceptable. This is also a time when they increasingly evaluate themselves in relation to others and are more sensitive to how others perceive them. This can lead to positive or negative self-esteem. Given that you cannot control how your daughter is evaluated in relation to her peers, it is important for her to feel valued at home and get a realistic but positive self-appraisal through her parents’ eyes. When your husband cannot spend time with your daughter – particularly when he is visible yet unavailable – she might feel rejected. She might respond by either ignoring him or fighting with him.
When a child has good language and thinking skills, adults often overestimate his or her emotional abilities. Remind your husband that, emotionally, your daughter is only 8-years-old, and she is more likely to be confused and hurt than “rude and disrespectful.” Rejection (even if necessary for work) feels bad and can lead to negative behaviors. Her actions may not reflect her true feelings.
8-year-olds can be impatient, but they also want to be involved and helpful. Is there anything your daughter can do to help her dad with his work, perhaps organizing papers, while she waits for his undivided attention? If they can share a common goal – finishing work collaboratively so they can play a game – they are more likely to get along. Furthermore, keeping consistent work schedules might provide realistic expectations and reduce your daughter’s frustration when her father is unavailable.
8-year-olds also have a sense of right and wrong and of rules. Try establishing rules for communication – no shouting, for example, and enforce the rules. Start slowly and put little pressure on her. Fights and arguments will occur, but if your husband and daughter work at it together, the fights will become fewer, shorter, and less intense. Be careful to send consistent messages to your daughter to avoid the dynamic of good parent/bad parent and the stress that either role creates.
Your husband really has to set the example despite his frustrations, and you can support him by being constructive and patient. It’s upsetting to not get along with your own family, and it’s difficult to be purposeful and thoughtful about improving the relationship when stress and emotions run high. Remember that children want a relationship with each of their parents despite what their behaviors might convey. This is an opportunity for your husband and daughter to understand themselves and each other better, and for you all to learn to rely on each other to overcome seemingly insurmountable challenges.
Jaime earned her doctorate in Clinical Psychology from Yeshiva University. She works in a private practice in NYC doing psychotherapy and evaluations. Jaime’s specialty is in working with individuals of all ages on the autism spectrum. www.spectrumservicesnyc.com. (Advice given in Ask Jaime is not intended to be a substitute for individual psychotherapy.)
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