Facebook and Families: Should Parents be ‘Friends’ With Their Children?
Question:
My daughters are embarrassed to see my presence on Facebook. But, it has become my single, most, effective way of communicating with friends, family and business peers… How do I convince them that I’m not trying to ruin their lives! – Westchester resident Pia Haas
Answer:
No matter what generation we are from or what technologies become available, children always manage to be embarrassed by their parents. Luckily for your children (as opposed to in-person embarrassing moments I can recall as a kid), the embarrassment is online. What exactly are your daughters concerned about? Are you Facebook friends? Do you write to their friends or comment on their posts? Or, are they simply embarrassed that you have a Facebook page at all?
Children and teenagers tend to see Facebook as purely social and don’t necessarily appreciate the value of social media for professional advancement. In fact, for many professionals a Facebook presence can be critical for career advancement and business development. Try demonstrating the effects of your Facebook page and other social media on your career satisfaction and income. That may help them understand the purpose of your presence on Facebook and lessen their anxiety.
Aside from professional reasons, like you said, Facebook can be a great way for friends and families to communicate. Try involving your daughters in planning the next family gathering using Facebook. Or ask them to help compile photos to create a family album via Facebook. Try to appeal to their understanding of how they will feel in the future when their kids are embarrassed by them!
I suggest you remain as separate as possible from your daughters on Facebook. Many parents have a Facebook page but are not Facebook friends with their children. That said, I understand the importance of monitoring your children’s Facebook pages and posts to make sure they are being safe and appropriate. You can compromise with your daughters by not being a regular online presence but instead setting up times to review and monitor their pages together. Definitely refrain from posting on their walls and writing to their friends.
If perceived intrusiveness is not the problem, your daughters may feel restricted from expressing themselves freely for fear of being judged, punished, etc. Remind your daughters that the internet is public and permanent, and anything they wouldn’t say in front of you they shouldn’t say on the internet. A big part of growing up is learning how much personal information to share in various social settings. This is a great learning opportunity.
In sum, keep a safe Facebook distance, clarify and demonstrate why and how to use it, and take this opportunity to discuss the difference between public and private selves with your daughters. At the end of the day, whether or not your daughters like it, you call the shots and have a right to stay in touch with people any way you like. But try to appeal to their sense of reason, and only use “because I can” as a last resort.
Jaime earned her doctorate in Clinical Psychology from Yeshiva University. She works in a private practice in NYC doing psychotherapy and evaluations. Jaime’s specialty is in working with individuals of all ages on the autism spectrum. She lives in Hartsdale. www.spectrumservicesnyc.com. (Advice given in Ask Jaime is not intended to be a substitute for individual psychotherapy.)
Examiner Media – Keeping you informed with professionally-reported local news, features, and sports coverage.