Managing Extended Family Conflict Without Getting Stuck in the Middle
Q: Following a very bitter divorce, my brother’s two teenage kids ceased contact with him. His two kids, my niece and nephew, have always been close to my kids, but now he is asking that I not include them in family gatherings so long as they refuse to speak to him. He has also asked me to speak to them. Essentially, he wants to exert extended family pressure to repair family relations, and I’m really uncomfortable with all of this. Any advice? – Anonymous from Westchester
A: It sounds like you have a very complicated situation on your hands. Even the most amicable divorce is emotionally laden, and when there are children involved the situation can often be quite messy. In your brother’s case, there are four separate people with their own personalities, feelings, perspectives, and coping strategies that have led each of them to react uniquely to the divorce. Your niece and nephew, at least for now, have decided not to speak to their father, and he has decided that this is unacceptable. Clearly, there is a lot of information that I do not have about the reasons his children choose not to speak to him. Perhaps the children witnessed a lot of fighting and blame their father? Did each parent bad-mouth the other in front if the kids? Was there infidelity they were aware of? Sometimes children side with one parent in a divorce for various reasons. In many cases the relationship can be repaired. Sometimes past events can be less important than how present and future issues are handled.
There are many competing needs at play, those of your brother’s, his children, and your own, with regard to how to navigate family gatherings from this point forward. You are in a tricky situation because your brother seems to be making contradictory requests. He wants you to simultaneously alienate his children from your own while gaining his children’s trust and convincing them to speak to him. What a task! Right now, it seems your brother does not recognize how lucky he is to have family who provides his children with stability and security during such a challenging time. Since your children have always been close with his, it would be a shame to ask (or force) them to disconnect.
It sounds like your brother is in a lot of pain over the loss of communication with his children, and he is not handling it in a very rational way. During a divorce (and after), it is important for both parents to remain present in their children’s lives, but it is crucial that it is done in a respectful way. His children are teenagers, not toddlers, and they have opinions and feelings of their own, and they need to process emotions and events with people they trust. It sounds like, if given the chance, you might be able to be that person (or one of those persons in their lives), and eventually you might be able to help repair their relationship with their father. Unfortunately, this cannot be forced. The more your niece and nephew feel that their father is pulling them away from their support system and making ultimatums, the less likely they are to want to reconnect with him.
Have you tried to talk to your brother in a rational way and to frame the situation in terms of his children’s well-being? Is he open to a discussion or does he shut down or get angry? Would it help if, in your conversations with him regarding this issue, you try to mention his efforts to be a good father or to point out that you recognize how hard this is for him, and how hard it is on his children? I recognize that these suggestions can be easier said than done, but you might be surprised how he could react to a little understanding of his side, even if you don’t agree with all of his choices. It would be great for the children if your brother could be present without being demanding. In the end, most children want to speak to their parents, but they need the space to get there, particularly when they are feeling sad, angry, confused, and definitely overwhelmed.
Jaime earned her doctorate in Clinical Psychology from Yeshiva University. She currently works in a private practice in NYC doing psychotherapy and career counseling. In addition to providing general psychological services, Jaime has extensive experience working with individuals of all ages on the autism spectrum. She lives in Hartsdale. (Advice given in Ask Jaime is not intended to be a substitute for individual psychotherapy.)
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