Parenting Pep Talk: Parenting Lessons from the Business World
The Wall Street Journal recently published an article examining factors that make happy families happy. Bruce Feiler, author of the article and book The Secrets of Happy Parenting, explains how families can utilize workplace strategies to create a happy household. “Agile development,” a system of group dynamics that organizes workers into small teams, can be applied to the home as well as the office. Families that implement agile programs tend to communicate effectively, be productive, and have low stress. Feiler studied families who adapted agile for the home, and he implemented it with his own children with great success. Here is what he has learned.
Family meetings are crucial. Agile families have weekly meetings to discuss the previous and coming week. Feiler and others ask three questions: What went well in our family this week? What didn’t go well? What will we agree to work on this week? All family members offer suggestions and vote on two problem areas to work on.
Everyone is accountable. Progress should be monitored, and it can be done in a fun way. To make mornings run smoothly, agile families tend to have checklists so everyone knows what is expected from them. Many families find that children enjoy crossing tasks off the list, and in Feiler’s case, the introduction of the checklist cut parental screaming in half.
Empower the children. In the weekly meetings, allow your children to set their own rewards and punishments. Children who set goals and self-monitor are more intrinsically motivated, have greater self-control, and have stronger frontal lobe functioning. Effective teams allow all members to contribute and the same goes for happy families. Allow children to negotiate and enlist in their own upbringing. They can succeed and fail on their own terms.
Build in flexibility. According to surveys, stress is the number one cause of concern for both parents and children. As Feiler points out, stress is often a result of change, and change is one thing you can definitely count on! Parents can’t anticipate every problem and some problems are unavoidable. For example, if you cannot have dinner with your children every night, don’t worry. Make breakfast a tradition or find some quality time to spend with them when you aren’t eating.
Tell your story. Talk to your children about where they came from. Share positive moments and discuss obstacles including how you overcame them. Researchers at Emory gave children a “do you know” test which asks questions such as, Do you know where your grandparents were born? Do you know where your parents went to high school? Do you know a family member who had a difficult time and got through it? High scores on this test were a high predictor of emotional health and happiness. Those who scored highest had more self-esteem and self-efficacy.
Focus on what you do right. Research shows that parents should spend less time fretting over what they did wrong and more time focusing on what they do right. One way to accomplish this is to come up with a family mission statement. Feiler had a familial version of an office retreat; a pajama party with his wife and daughters. Together they voted on a list of values and talked about what they like most about their family. They devised a set of ten core affirmations, for example, “We don’t like dilemmas, we like solutions.” Feiler has found that these affirmations provide a touchstone and come in handy in times of conflict.
Dr. Jaime Black is a licensed psychologist practicing in Westchester and New York City. In addition to providing general mental health services, Jaime works with individuals of all ages on the autism spectrum, doing psychotherapy, conducting evaluations, and facilitating social skills groups. Visit www.spectrumservicesnyc.com, e-mail JaimeBlackPsyD@gmail.com or call (914)712-8208.
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